How To Deal With Heart-Breaking Loss

5 Lessons from Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg

In Jewish tradition 30 days marks the end of a formal period of mourning knowing as sheloshim. 30 days ago, Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg lost her 47-year-old husband Dave Goldberg. Her children lost their father. The world lost a mensch.

sheryl sandberg loss

Yesterday Sheryl took this opportunity to reflect on her experience. She wrote a lengthy, searing message. They moved me deeply. Here are some of its highlights and lessons:

1. Make Meaning: “When tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning…when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.”

2. Don’t Sugarcoat: “A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was ‘It is going to be okay.’

How To Make Peace With Who You Are

I just returned from a day of literary speed-dating. About 50 authors gathered in New York City, and each had two minutes to explain their book.

jewish genealogy

The ultimate goal was invitations to Jewish book festivals. While nervously waiting for my own presentation, I got to hear two-minute summaries of dozens of books. I loved it.

In listening to the different authors speak, I noticed two major trends.

Is It Offensive to Say “Old Testament?”

In a recent article I referred frequently to the  “Old Testament.” Someone immediately wrote and asked why I was using that “offensive” phrase.

Is it wrong to say "Old Testament?"

“Old Testament,” he said, “implies that  a New Testament supersedes and surpasses it.”

Some research revealed my reader is not alone in his thinking. The respected rabbi James Rudin has written, “I abhor the term Old Testament,” because it suggests “Judaism has been replaced by Christianity and that the New Testament is superior to the Old Testament.”

Is he right? Is “Old Testament” an abhorrent and offensive phrase? I don’t think so. The phrase Old Testament is not ideal. Yet, it is better than any of the alternatives.

A Prayer for Memorial Day

We Remember Them

This poem never fails to move me to tears. Written by Rabbi Jack Riemer and Sylvan Kamens, it has been translated into multiple languages and is often read at Jewish funeral services.

we remember them

At the rising sun and at its going down, we remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, we remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn, we remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them.

As long as we live, they too will shall live.  For they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

What Everyone Ought to Know about Jerusalem

Jerusalem Day is a Jewish holiday celebrating the unification of the city in 1967. It happened on May 17 of this year.
Jerusalem has produced “kings, killers, prophets, pretenders, caliphs and crusaders, all surfing an ocean of blood.” It is also, says Chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks,“the city from the which the Divine Presence has never departed.”
 

jerusalem day

In other words, Jerusalem is holy and profane. It foments war yet calls for peace. How can this all be true? Why do we care so much about it? What about Jerusalem so captures our imaginations?

1. Jerusalem is hope: The Bible recalls the cry of the Jewish exiles in Babylonia. “If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, may my right hand lose its strength.

Many groups have faced tragedy and exile. Many more have been oppressed and persecuted. Those who survive find a source of hope.

For Jews it is Jerusalem. Jerusalem symbolizes return. It symbolizes home. It symbolizes freedom.

What Makes a Great Rabbi?

People often ask me (and any rabbi) why they became a rabbi. I can answer in two words: “Ron Shapiro.” I suspect at least a dozen others of us who grew up at Congregation Shalom, which he led for 35 years, could say the same.

what makes a great mentor

Role models teach us more than any book can. We know the truth of a statement attributed to Abraham Joshua Heschel. When asked how to nurture effective spiritual leaders, he said, “We do not need more text-books. We need more “text-people.”

A text-person embodies the values we cherish. He or she delivers a sermon with his life, not just his words.

The Secret to Counting Your Blessings: A Jewish Story

Counting our blessings is not something that always comes naturally. Often it’s easier to count our problems.

count your blessings

We are late on a project. Our house needs work. If, God forbid, we have a serious health problem or lose our job, it can consume us.

Focusing on our problems, we sometimes overlook our blessings. As a father, I know I do this. I complain that my kids do not go to sleep on time much more than I express gratitude for being blessed with healthy, happy kids.

Sometimes we need a little push to remind us of our blessings.

3 Healthy Boundaries to Help Preserve Your Sanity

“What should I call you?” Rabbis and pastors  get this question a lot.

boundaries

What do we say? It depends. Some times I say  “Call me Evan.” Sometimes it’s “Rabbi Evan.”  Other times I say say “I prefer Rabbi Moffic.” Sometimes I say in private “Evan” is fine, but in public please use “Rabbi Moffic.”

I admit I have little rhyme or reason to my answers.

I imagine doctors and teachers face a similar dilemma. The truth is, however, is that the question is about much more than names. It is about relationships, authority, respect, and maintaining proper boundaries within an increasingly informal and free-for-all culture. 

Having just returned from a leading a session on boundaries at a rabbinic conference (with my friend and colleague Rabbi Leah Cohen), I realized how critical boundaries are for everybody. Boundaries are about saying yes and saying no.

The One Person You Really Need to Meet

A member of my synagogue recently reminded me of a basic truth. Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

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Put differently, in life the head less is less important than the heart. To do anything well, you need to know yourself and the heart that drives you.

In any job–including the clergy–it’s easy to become wrapped up in the meetings, the processes, the emails. We get so caught up in what to do that we forget why we do it. We can get so caught up in what we are doing that we fail to notice who we are becoming.

The Best Jewish Wisdom on Parenting

My oldest daughter just turned eight, and my youngest is about to turn six. I’ve been thinking a lot about the journey of fatherhood so far.

Me not being such a great parent!

The best book I read before coming a dad was Crawling: A Father’s First Year. With its focus on the sheer joy and anxiety of a baby’s first year, it came closest to preparing me for the humbling shock and awe of becoming a parent.

Despite my fondness for the book, I soon realized no guide can prepare you for this journey. Every parent ultimately realizes this. The best we can do is draw from our own experience and the wisdom of those who came before us.